It’s that time of year again —the time when men around the world leave the comfort of their couch or chair grooves, turn off the sports broadcasts and hide from their significant others. Yes, I am referring to Valentines Day, which is actually just the shorter version of its original name: “Pay Attention to Only Me Day. I’d venture to say that Valentines is the one holiday that consistently comes unwelcomed every year to roughly 50% of the population.
I wish that I could properly express my feelings for this holiday in a way that would be understood by women and, simultaneously, have men around the world stand behind me in full support and agreement. But since I have conceded on the first part of that wish ever becoming a possibility, I have chosen to give a history lesson as a way to explain the male’s inability to live up to the lofty expectations of this romance-filled celebration instead. Hopefully it will be able to fulfill my second wish and elicit male support.
A friend of mine once asked, “Why are men such jerks all the time?” The friend was, of course, a female, and the question was most likely rhetorical. However, being the all-knowing man that I am, I went ahead and answered it anyway. After all, what good is all this male knowledge and advice if it goes unused? Am I right, gentleman? Anyway, my response came in the form of this history/biology lesson:
Most guys, me included, are born without the exhibitus sensitivula bone (commonly known as the “sensitive bone”) in their body, a point we are frequently reminded of by our female counterparts. Anyway, if research is correct, this bone was located in or near the rib cage originally, anatomically speaking. However, in the beginning of time and human existence, the patriarch of our race demonstrated an unfathomable amount of unselfishness and, ultimately, sacrificed this bone in order to create a companion for this dreary life. This act was, by far, the most generous deed ever perpetrated by man to date.
At the time, we (by we, I am, of course, referring to mankind —in the male-kind sense of the word) thought this was a good and necessary idea. We thought we had weighed our options adequately and come to a solid conclusion and decision that companionship would be worthwhile and completely essential. After all, companionship —in principle— sounds like a great alternative to dismally roaming the globe in lonesome fashion. However, unforeseen side effects (pun somewhat intended) began to surface, jabbing us like a thorn in our proverbial (and incomplete) rib cage. Not minutes had passed, after the transfer of bone, before a barrage of nagging, whining, complaining and belittling erupted from our newly created partner. Horrible mood swings, a roller coaster of emotions, and statements of “why can’t you be more like…” became frequent occurrences. Suddenly, “roaming the world a lone man” started to seem like a metaphorical “walk in the park.” It was at this moment that we began to second guess our decision to open up and share (pun intended most emphatically).
The consequence of our first father’s actions still surrounds us to this day. Females all over the world gush sensitivity out of every pore, whereas males are unable to display even an iota of sensitivity on any given issue. It’s what scientists call “human nature.” And women, bless their hearts, are conceiving and attempting every way possible to change it.
Truth be told, I don’t mind Valentines Day quite as much as I may make it seem. Where I hate the obligations to meet or exceed the romantic expectations that this holiday generates, I do appreciate the opportunity it affords to show my loved one just how much she means to me. Too often in our busy lives, the act of showing care, love, and even (dare I say) romance gets lost in transit. We may have given up our sensitive bones, but we still have our hearts.
I may not be able to gripe openly about the chore of being romantic without certain repercussions, but I will complain until my sides split about the commercialism of February 14th. Who knows, maybe I’ll lose my attitudinal excessivitus bone in the process.
I wish that I could properly express my feelings for this holiday in a way that would be understood by women and, simultaneously, have men around the world stand behind me in full support and agreement. But since I have conceded on the first part of that wish ever becoming a possibility, I have chosen to give a history lesson as a way to explain the male’s inability to live up to the lofty expectations of this romance-filled celebration instead. Hopefully it will be able to fulfill my second wish and elicit male support.
A friend of mine once asked, “Why are men such jerks all the time?” The friend was, of course, a female, and the question was most likely rhetorical. However, being the all-knowing man that I am, I went ahead and answered it anyway. After all, what good is all this male knowledge and advice if it goes unused? Am I right, gentleman? Anyway, my response came in the form of this history/biology lesson:
Most guys, me included, are born without the exhibitus sensitivula bone (commonly known as the “sensitive bone”) in their body, a point we are frequently reminded of by our female counterparts. Anyway, if research is correct, this bone was located in or near the rib cage originally, anatomically speaking. However, in the beginning of time and human existence, the patriarch of our race demonstrated an unfathomable amount of unselfishness and, ultimately, sacrificed this bone in order to create a companion for this dreary life. This act was, by far, the most generous deed ever perpetrated by man to date.
At the time, we (by we, I am, of course, referring to mankind —in the male-kind sense of the word) thought this was a good and necessary idea. We thought we had weighed our options adequately and come to a solid conclusion and decision that companionship would be worthwhile and completely essential. After all, companionship —in principle— sounds like a great alternative to dismally roaming the globe in lonesome fashion. However, unforeseen side effects (pun somewhat intended) began to surface, jabbing us like a thorn in our proverbial (and incomplete) rib cage. Not minutes had passed, after the transfer of bone, before a barrage of nagging, whining, complaining and belittling erupted from our newly created partner. Horrible mood swings, a roller coaster of emotions, and statements of “why can’t you be more like…” became frequent occurrences. Suddenly, “roaming the world a lone man” started to seem like a metaphorical “walk in the park.” It was at this moment that we began to second guess our decision to open up and share (pun intended most emphatically).
The consequence of our first father’s actions still surrounds us to this day. Females all over the world gush sensitivity out of every pore, whereas males are unable to display even an iota of sensitivity on any given issue. It’s what scientists call “human nature.” And women, bless their hearts, are conceiving and attempting every way possible to change it.
Truth be told, I don’t mind Valentines Day quite as much as I may make it seem. Where I hate the obligations to meet or exceed the romantic expectations that this holiday generates, I do appreciate the opportunity it affords to show my loved one just how much she means to me. Too often in our busy lives, the act of showing care, love, and even (dare I say) romance gets lost in transit. We may have given up our sensitive bones, but we still have our hearts.
I may not be able to gripe openly about the chore of being romantic without certain repercussions, but I will complain until my sides split about the commercialism of February 14th. Who knows, maybe I’ll lose my attitudinal excessivitus bone in the process.
2 comments:
Man shouldn't be punished for their own sins, but should take credit for Adam's generosity.
Just for fun, file this column away and make a note to write another one on this topic 25 years from now. Then compare the two.
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