Tuesday, August 18, 2009

G.O.L.F.

If you sit back and think about it, golf is kind of a silly game. But then again... so is curling.

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The origin of golf is as muddy as the water hazards conveniently placed on courses around the world. Some believe it can be traced back to the Romans. Others believe it made its roots in China. The most common historical belief, however, is that the modern game —the game we know and love…then hate, as we dig our way out of the bunker on eight…and then love again, as we make our way back to the club house, bragging to our friends about how well we played— is that it originated in Scotland around the 12th century with shepherds knocking stones into rabbit holes.

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Another popular rumor, specifically among the antiquated or chauvinist male crowd, is that the word “golf” is actually an acronym for “Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden”. It’s no secret that golf is known as a gentleman’s game, and whether or not females were allowed to play in its early beginnings is of little consequence to me and the current times in which I live —with exception of my music. I like 80s music. Deal with it. Anyway, I just hate the pressure of having to consistently hit my tee shot past the ladies tees on every hole in order to avoid the embarrassing march to my second shot with my pants around my ankles. What “gentleman” developed this unofficial rule?

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Golf is an interesting sport, and I’m not just stating that as a personal opinion. I know a lot of people who would agree and many who would unconsciously agree. I don’t claim to be a pro, by any means, even though I have bragged up my game on several "water-cooler" occasions. I guess what it all boils down to is, golf is just one of those sports that seems within our grasp of attaining professional status. With other sports, such as basketball, football, or the Olympic sort, there are very apparent physical qualities associated with the top tier athletes. For all of us sub-six footers, we know that the NBA is probably a little out of reach, so we limit ourselves to “dominating” in pick-up games and church ball. And, I think the majority can relate to the fact that I can’t bench press a dump truck, nor do I weigh as much as one either. So, the NFL isn’t a viable option. Soccer and baseball don’t really count because baseball requires interest and soccer is for poor people and children with too much energy.

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In contrast is golf. Golf is different. Every time someone young or old steps up to the first tee at a local municipal golf course, they believe that their game is going to be very reminiscent of Tiger’s the weekend before. Then, three balls and two bent irons later —as they make their way to the first hole’s green— they’re shocked at realizing they’ve already hit course par.

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An example of this mentality was demonstrated recently when my dad and I made an attempt to finish 18 holes in under seven hours. We made our way through the first few holes feeling pretty confident about the direction our scores were headed. Then, the back nine happened. It got so ugly and miserable that, at one point, I had to encourage my dad to stop sulking, get out of the sand trap where he was sitting, put his left shoe back on and finish the hole. As added incentive, I may have even promised a special trip for ice cream on the way home. The point is this: it got pretty bleak to say the least. If either of us thought we were just strokes away from obtaining our tour card, we were quickly reminded that, in reality, we couldn't be further away. In fact, it's pretty humbling to realize that, not only are you undersized and under conditioned for the mainstream professional sports, but you can’t even hack it, (yes, hack it) at a novice level on a city course with an unlimited amount of mulligans at your disposal. At least there were no ladies around to observe our shameful display of ability.

The Saturnine Examination of Saul Goodman