Bathroom Behavior

Be warned, this topic contains high levels of potty-language.

For some reason I am extra perceptive of my surroundings when in the gentlemen’s lavatory. I don’t know why this is, but I think I have it pinned down to a combination of several different contributing factors. Bathrooms are typically revolting places to be in, thanks to the supremely efficient and tidy manner in which the general male population comports themselves. This obviously tends to put me on high alert. Also, bathrooms seem to create an unexplainable element of shame. It’s almost as if, when entered in, they act as a self awareness vortex. This provides an entertaining show when you become aware of it.

So, what is it I’m talking about; what does it all come down to? Simply put —male bathroom conduct. The psychological behavior behind this topic would produce a wonderfully entertaining and thought provoking study, if you can bare to hear it. Without getting too in-depth and personal, I have logged a lot of mental notes about bathroom conduct and behavior I have witnessed, as it pertains to men. Where to begin…

“Two men are walking down the hall in an office building. Both are very animated as they converse about politics, local sports, and women. Before they know it, they reach the door indicating “Men’s Room”. As they enter the bathroom, they continue talking as they approach the urinals. Unconsciously, they each select the urinal as far away from the other person as possible, and conversation stops. They then proceed to do their business. One man looks up at the ceiling, the other straight forward at the wall. Both occasionally glance down to make sure everything is all right. When finished, they meet back at neighboring sinks, no huge spaces between them now, and pick up their conversation right where they left off.”

What happened; what changed? The human male is notorious for eking sounds and smells from their bodies and then talking about it non-stop. Often times they are criticized for their overly open discussions and displays. On top of it all, they find mountains of humor in it. I know; I’m one of them. But what changes in a public bathroom?

Here is another rather interesting scenario I have witnessed on several occasions. From time to time I will find myself sitting in a stall, taking care of business. To my chagrin, someone else will enter the bathroom. Quickly they realize the presence of another person in a stall and are too embarrassed to occupy another stall with someone (me) already in the other. Their minds race as they try to figure out what course of action to take. At this point, a number of different options will play out.
Option one: (and I have done this myself) they will go straight to the sink, wash their hands (maybe), and head right back out the door, making it seem as though they came in with a purpose, even if to merely wash their hands. The funniest part of this option is that the effort made to “save face” by washing their hands instead of looking stupid and embarrassed with no apparent reason for entering is wasted energy because the other person can’t see you through the stall walls anyway.
Option two: another “save face” alternative: the person realizes someone is in a stall already and decides to fake number-one to demonstrate a purpose for entering the bathroom in the first place. This one usually backfires because, more often than not, they don’t have to go, or stage fright won’t permit it, and end up embarrassing themselves more by standing at the urinal for a minute, making now noise, and flushing without having gone. To make matters worse, they decide not to wash because they didn’t go; and after leaving the bathroom realize, “now that person thinks I don’t wash my hands. Crap.” Admit it; you’ve done this or something like it.
Option three (my personal favorite to witness): The person enters the bathroom, sees the person in a stall, but undeniable urges help him bravely decide to follow through anyway. However, after comfortably seated, the person begins to institute “courtesy flush” after “courtesy flush” in an effort to spare you of the noise. But that’s not the truth; it’s the excuse. We all know the real reason goes back to what I mentioned before —bathrooms create a stigma for keen self awareness and shame. That person was more concerned for his fragile bathroom ego and masking the noise than he was for my level of comfort.

So what does it all mean; why do these things or others like them, happen? I don’t know for sure. But for some reason they do. Despite our huge talk, we are all insecure when it comes to public bathroom actions. The funny thing is… everyone poops. We all do it, and we know we all do it. But, for some reason we attempt to hide it in a way to convince ourselves and others that it is only something that other people do. There are many more observations and crudities that I can mention, but time and space won't permit. In the end, after becoming more aware of bathroom behavior, I still find myself putting my own level of comfort as a less important priority as I search for an empty bathroom to really let loose.